i. Flipper Thing

Mermaid:
What’s this?
It seems some news has come downstairs today
What’s this?
It seems I should investigate

The prince will have a ball
Seems the country’s gonna be there
I should join the call
Seems I need to go up these stairs
These stairs… these stairs…
This flipper thing ain’t helping me at all

What’s this?
It seems that daddy’s got a new dress
What’s this?
It makes him look like Ryan Seacrest
Those stairs…
This flipper thing ain’t helping me, no
Those stairs…
This flipper thing ain’t helping me at all

Narrator:
(Abandoning her cove, the miniature mermaid maneuvers to the local bulletin beluga, whereupon she discovers a flier advertising the services of a certain leadbelly octopus.)

(knock knock knock)
(grumbles)

Mermaid:
This flipper thing ain’t helping me at all.

Octopus:
What’s this?

Mermaid:
I need to get myself some landlegs

Octopus:
What’s this?

Mermaid:
And I won’t accept no Band-aids

ii. Backalley Surgery

Octopus:
Ah, surgery.
No problem.
Trust me.
I’ve done this a million times before.
Why don’t you step into my store?

Everyone’s attending Harry’s gala in the garden
But they don’t exactly have a choice
You’re the one that does, madame, and so I ask you if you’d rather
Have the moves or have the voice
You think it might be easy when you’re up and feeling breezy
Sifting sand between your toenails on the beach
But I tell you, girl, it won’t be, and your life be mighty bumpy
Till you fall straight down and proclaim, what’dya call it?
Defeat.

Mermaid:
Octopus, I’m sure of it, ain’t hiring no surrogate
I need to be on land myself
Sample the linguini, find a nice cotton bikini
‘cuz I’ve had it with these scallop shells
Ain’t saying that it’s easy when I’m up and feeling breezy
But the challenge will be worth the reward
Make me like a human with that voodoo that you doin’
So I can get up there and quit being bored

Octopus:
It seems that you are certain, so just get behind the curtain
And I’ll get my scissors on your back
If it starts to take a while, I know what will make you smile
Take a People off the magazine rack
You’ll be a glamour actress with the right social status
Guaranteed to be the belle of the ball
Until you’re cutting the rug with that prince that you dug
Oh, honey, please try not to fall

Narrator:
(Abandoning her so-called ‘flipper thing,’ the miniature mermaid inhales the high-grade black market anesthetic offered to her by a certain lead-bellied octopus. A transformation begins within…)

Octopus:
I’m here and doing science but I still don’t have a license
And I will not give your money back
You should never trust a whale who can’t read his own tall tales
Like a tabloid off a magazine rack
You’ll be a glamour actress with the right social status
But not a lot of rights after all
Cuz when you’re moving to the beat with your two left feet
Oh, good luck trying not to fall!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
That flipper thing’s not so bad after all!

That’s it!
The legs you wanted desperately
That’s it!
The lungs are not sold separately

Go to the surface! Find your beau!
Go to the surface like a submarine boat!
Climb up the salmon ladder, one foot then the next!
Left! Left! Left left left!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!

iii. Waltz in Four

Prince:
Shall we dance?
Whoops, that’s on me.
You’ll get it next time.
Here, why don’t I lead?

The princess had a fall
Seems she needs to get out now, where’s
A doctor I can call?
Can somebody help me out here?

Paramedics!
Paramedics!

iv. Backalley Surgery (Reprise)

Prince:
This girl, she speaks in silence, and her life’s the fault of science
Seems she couldn’t really dance if she chose
Spent my life upon the shore but I have not seen her before
Not her eyes, not her lips, not her nose
Whether she just lost her cool or she’d play me like a fool
It seems her heart is beating out of time
Get her in the ER if you have to do CPR
Hook her up to a lifeline
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?

Narrator:
(abandoning his ball, the neurotic noble ushers the miniature mermaid onto a stretcher at the hands of a certain lead-bellied paramedic)

Prince:
Mister, please, she’s dying, at the very least she’s lying
On the floor and cannot come to her feet
She forgot how to talk and then forgot how to walk
Mister, please, I’m sure she’s feeling very weak
If you know the diagnosis, then I’ll shower you in roses
Have you crowned the greatest medic in the town!
But if you’re saying what you’re saying, that this girl’s a sea maiden
Throw her back to sea before she starts to drown!
I don’t believe in fate
But I do believe in mermaids
She seems a little too good to be true
Seems a botched operation
Left her half of a crustacean
Crabwalkin’ like she’d look like me or you

Paramedic:
Go to the shoreline! While she’s still!
Go to the shoreline and use her gills!
Throw her to the salmon ladder, gently now!
Down! Down! Down, down, down!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!

v. Daughters of Nightmair

Narrator:
Down. Down. Down. Down.
Down. Down. Down. Down.
Down. Down. Down. Down.
Down. Down. Down. Wake up!

(abandoning her lack of consciousness, the miniature mermaid turned botched human seeks to recover her flipper thing from a certain lead-bellied octopus)

Mermaid:
This flipper thingie ain’t so bad at all!

What’s this?
It seems you didn’t hear me coming.
What’s this?
It seems the catfish got your tongue again!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!