Heartbreak, Sex, and Oompa​-​Loompas

by Kevin Calaway and the Bonktunes Orchestra

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04:02
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credits

released July 15, 2014

Kevin Calaway: Bandleader;
Microsoft Sam: Piano, organ;
Lernout & Hauspie Michelle: Guitar;
Setup Wizard: Bass;
Clippy: Drums, percussion

Introducing the Bonzi Buddy Brass Band on horns:
Bonzi Buddy: baritone;
Expired Domain Girl: trumpet;
The Nigerian Prince: flute;
That annoying smiley that goes "HELLO!" in the ad banners: French horn;
Jeeves: violin

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Kevin Calaway Seattle, Washington

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Track Name: Beautiful Day
Wonderful weather we’re having
Wonderful every day
Wonderful weather we’re having
Won’t you come out and play?

The sun is always shining somewhere above the clouds
And I know down in the tropics, it’s warmer there’s no doubt
Though the mist mistakes my misdemeanor demeanor for a curse
When I see you in the rainclouds, I know somewhere it’s worse
You’re a quarter-mile away
From the dollar and fifty cents I need for bus fare
And I just stare
And I need to find a way
A route into the station in your chest
Cuz I’m the best you’ll ever
Never give a chance to

I’m at a loss for words
I know not what to do
It’s a beautiful day
But not as beautiful as you

I see you standing on the corner of Pine and girl I’m pining for you
If I could only give myself the chance, I know that I’d be true
But I know there’s someone out there; someone better than me
You meet him; he meets you; I’m thrown out; hey, look how happy you’ll be.
If I only had the nerve
To work up the nerve to walk the street to where you are
I know you’re not far
But I stand back and observe
I tell myself I’ll tell myself tomorrow
Filled with sorrow that I
Borrow from myself

I’m at a loss for words
I know not what to do
It’s a beautiful day
But not as beautiful as you

My heart beats and I try to speak out
My jaw drops and my voice just eeks out
Hey, hey, haha, how you do-do
Do-do-do-do-do-do nevermind
I’ll go back inside
And I’ll never bother you again
My friend

I’m at a loss for words
I know not what to do
It’s a beautiful day
But not as beautiful as you
Track Name: Funk It!
Funk it!
Track Name: Roman Holodeck Supercomputer
Wind flies into colosseum windows
Wind flies out with considerably less speed
Where does all the extra energy go?
There’s a machine below to which it feeds
It makes lions, it makes gladiators, all part of the show
It makes blood, it makes warriors, no one gets hurt
It makes lions, it makes gladiators, all part of the show
It makes popcorn, it makes peanuts, would you like a free shirt for the
Roman holodeck supercomputer?

How’d you think that Nero built his empire?
Did you think he had hired fifty slaves
Jesus Christ made Seattle under pressure
All the same he couldn’t build Rome in a day
It makes bricks, it makes mortar, watch that sucker go!
It makes war, it makes treaties, welcome home
It makes bricks, it makes mortar, watch that sucker go
It makes maps of the nation machine-grown by the
Roman holodeck supercomputer
Roman holodeck supercomputer
Roman holodeck supercomputer
Roman holodeck supercomputer

Wind flies into colosseum windows
Wind flies out with considerably less speed
Roman holodeck supercomputer
Track Name: My Stupid Song
The burning in my feet
The pain within my heels
The sores of sullen soles
The agony I feel
With every step I take
I fear another heart may break
And who am I to know
What’s the deal?
Another valentine
Another shard of hope
Another radar blip
I pull down the periscope
With every ship I sink
I fear that I may overthink
And I’d end it now if I had
Enough rope

But I stop myself ‘cuz I know it’s very wrong
And I count to ten and I sing this stupid song
And I know that I don’t want it but it’s probably for the best
So I sing this stupid song to get these feelings off my chest

Another day gone by, another
Wasted ounce of luck
If I saved up my misfortune
I could buy a pick-up truck
And in the flatbed of that car
You know I’d rest my broken heart
And on the highway pray that I’ll get stuck
Another exit passed
Another ramp ignored
Another highway sign
And I’m starting to get bored
I punch the gas a bit
I see the engine light is lit
And I know the end is near
But who keeps score?

But I stop myself ‘cuz I know it’s very wrong
And I count to ten and I sing this stupid song
And I know that I don’t want it but it’s probably for the best
So I sing this stupid song to get these feelings off my chest

I’m sitting in the dark
And I check the clock, it’s one.
I probably should be sleeping
But let’s have a little fun
And the only fun I need
Is sitting right in front of me
So I grab the box that holds
My father’s gun.
I put the barrel to my head
I double-check the magazine
And I close my eyes
My life flashes before me
And nothing means a thing
I ain’t no heir, nor prince or king
And I take a breath and kick
The safety

But I stop myself ‘cuz I know it’s very wrong
And I count to ten and I sing this stupid song
And I know that I don’t want it but it’s probably for the best
So I sing this stupid song to get these feelings off my chest

So I recommend this song
Whenever you are feeling down
Just sing it even if you
Think you’ll feel like a clown
I know, cuz I did too
But ask yourself what you’ve to lose
And it’s guaranteed to take
Away your frown

So stop yourself, don’t you know it’s very wrong?
Just count to ten and sing this stupid song
I know that you don’t want it but it’s surely for the best
So just sing it, get these feelings off your chest.
But I stop myself ‘cuz I know it’s very wrong
And I count to ten and I sing this stupid song
And I know that I don’t want it but it’s probably for the best
So I sing this stupid song to get these feelings off my chest
Track Name: Kiss the Carpet
i. Flipper Thing

Mermaid:
What’s this?
It seems some news has come downstairs today
What’s this?
It seems I should investigate

The prince will have a ball
Seems the country’s gonna be there
I should join the call
Seems I need to go up these stairs
These stairs… these stairs…
This flipper thing ain’t helping me at all

What’s this?
It seems that daddy’s got a new dress
What’s this?
It makes him look like Ryan Seacrest
Those stairs…
This flipper thing ain’t helping me, no
Those stairs…
This flipper thing ain’t helping me at all

Narrator:
(Abandoning her cove, the miniature mermaid maneuvers to the local bulletin beluga, whereupon she discovers a flier advertising the services of a certain leadbelly octopus.)

(knock knock knock)
(grumbles)

Mermaid:
This flipper thing ain’t helping me at all.

Octopus:
What’s this?

Mermaid:
I need to get myself some landlegs

Octopus:
What’s this?

Mermaid:
And I won’t accept no Band-aids

ii. Backalley Surgery

Octopus:
Ah, surgery.
No problem.
Trust me.
I’ve done this a million times before.
Why don’t you step into my store?

Everyone’s attending Harry’s gala in the garden
But they don’t exactly have a choice
You’re the one that does, madame, and so I ask you if you’d rather
Have the moves or have the voice
You think it might be easy when you’re up and feeling breezy
Sifting sand between your toenails on the beach
But I tell you, girl, it won’t be, and your life be mighty bumpy
Till you fall straight down and proclaim, what’dya call it?
Defeat.

Mermaid:
Octopus, I’m sure of it, ain’t hiring no surrogate
I need to be on land myself
Sample the linguini, find a nice cotton bikini
‘cuz I’ve had it with these scallop shells
Ain’t saying that it’s easy when I’m up and feeling breezy
But the challenge will be worth the reward
Make me like a human with that voodoo that you doin’
So I can get up there and quit being bored

Octopus:
It seems that you are certain, so just get behind the curtain
And I’ll get my scissors on your back
If it starts to take a while, I know what will make you smile
Take a People off the magazine rack
You’ll be a glamour actress with the right social status
Guaranteed to be the belle of the ball
Until you’re cutting the rug with that prince that you dug
Oh, honey, please try not to fall

Narrator:
(Abandoning her so-called ‘flipper thing,’ the miniature mermaid inhales the high-grade black market anesthetic offered to her by a certain lead-bellied octopus. A transformation begins within…)

Octopus:
I’m here and doing science but I still don’t have a license
And I will not give your money back
You should never trust a whale who can’t read his own tall tales
Like a tabloid off a magazine rack
You’ll be a glamour actress with the right social status
But not a lot of rights after all
Cuz when you’re moving to the beat with your two left feet
Oh, good luck trying not to fall!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
That flipper thing’s not so bad after all!

That’s it!
The legs you wanted desperately
That’s it!
The lungs are not sold separately

Go to the surface! Find your beau!
Go to the surface like a submarine boat!
Climb up the salmon ladder, one foot then the next!
Left! Left! Left left left!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!
Kiss the carpet, kiss the friggin’ carpet!

iii. Waltz in Four

Prince:
Shall we dance?
Whoops, that’s on me.
You’ll get it next time.
Here, why don’t I lead?

The princess had a fall
Seems she needs to get out now, where’s
A doctor I can call?
Can somebody help me out here?

Paramedics!
Paramedics!

iv. Backalley Surgery (Reprise)

Prince:
This girl, she speaks in silence, and her life’s the fault of science
Seems she couldn’t really dance if she chose
Spent my life upon the shore but I have not seen her before
Not her eyes, not her lips, not her nose
Whether she just lost her cool or she’d play me like a fool
It seems her heart is beating out of time
Get her in the ER if you have to do CPR
Hook her up to a lifeline
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?
Can’t you see she kissed the flipping carpet?

Narrator:
(abandoning his ball, the neurotic noble ushers the miniature mermaid onto a stretcher at the hands of a certain lead-bellied paramedic)

Prince:
Mister, please, she’s dying, at the very least she’s lying
On the floor and cannot come to her feet
She forgot how to talk and then forgot how to walk
Mister, please, I’m sure she’s feeling very weak
If you know the diagnosis, then I’ll shower you in roses
Have you crowned the greatest medic in the town!
But if you’re saying what you’re saying, that this girl’s a sea maiden
Throw her back to sea before she starts to drown!
I don’t believe in fate
But I do believe in mermaids
She seems a little too good to be true
Seems a botched operation
Left her half of a crustacean
Crabwalkin’ like she’d look like me or you

Paramedic:
Go to the shoreline! While she’s still!
Go to the shoreline and use her gills!
Throw her to the salmon ladder, gently now!
Down! Down! Down, down, down!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!
To the seabed! To the flippin’ seabed!

v. Daughters of Nightmair

Narrator:
Down. Down. Down. Down.
Down. Down. Down. Down.
Down. Down. Down. Down.
Down. Down. Down. Wake up!

(abandoning her lack of consciousness, the miniature mermaid turned botched human seeks to recover her flipper thing from a certain lead-bellied octopus)

Mermaid:
This flipper thingie ain’t so bad at all!

What’s this?
It seems you didn’t hear me coming.
What’s this?
It seems the catfish got your tongue again!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Enjoy the mulletfishing silence!
Track Name: Any Resemblance to Real Fall Out Boys, Living or Dead, Is Purely Coincidental
Try not to make my day today ‘cuz I
I can’t stand crying in public
I hate to bring this up right now but I’m
A ridiculously specific situation
I need your accommodations

If you let me in
Will you let me be
And will you let me be the problem
That I want to be
If you shut me out
Will you shut your mouth
Or will you just admit that
You’re the problem

Compliments
Don’t do justice
A legal battle for the custody of my own autonomy
Take my hand
Or take a bow
I’ll take the ticket, check your name, you’ll be thankful hopefully

Try not to smile back at me cuz I
Can’t stand smiling in public
I hate to bring this up again but I’m
A ridiculously specific situation
I need your accommodations

If you let me in
Will you let me be
And will you let me be the problem
That I want to be
If you shut me out
Will you shut your mouth
Or will you just admit that
You're the problem

Casual
Conversation
If Jane says anything to me, I’ll want her like she wants me
Truth comes out
I’m shaking now
It’s better not to talk to me at all

A bird in flight flies overhead tonight
I know why the caged bird sings now
He opens up his wings now
If you hear my call
Will you respond at all?
Or will we break?

I hate to say this one more time but I’m
A ridiculously specific situation
I need your accommodations
If you let me in
Will you let me be
And will you let me be the problem
That I want to be
If you shut me out
Will you shut your mouth
Or will you just admit that
I’m the problem
Track Name: Nonsense
I wanted nothing but you wouldn’t consent
I wanted nothing but you won’t have it sent
I wanted something but I couldn’t commit
I gave you nothing ‘cuz I wouldn’t have none of that
Nonsense
Nonsense

Question mark, thumbs down
Smiley face, star frown
LOL, THX
HMU send me a text
Just stressed, what about?
I need some time to get out
It’s not you, it’s all me
SRY G2G

I have a feeling but I can’t pin it down
I have a feeling we’re about to go down
I couldn’t feel like we already fell
I can’t help feeling like you wouldn’t have none of that
Nonsense
Nonsense

Wednesday, 6:03
Hey! Check, already seen
Thursday, 3:04
Still seen the day before
Friday, 8:08
There doesn’t seem to be a date
Saturday, 6:17
You could at least break up with me

Let the sun bleach your dyed-black hair
And if your purse is in a wheely cage
Get it out of there
Try to be with me.
Show me you care

Was all you wanted just a shot with a kid?
Was all you wanted just to poison the kid?
You know you wanted something more than I did
You said you wanted but we wouldn’t have none of that
Nonsense
Nonsense
Nonsense
Track Name: Eisenberg and Guildenstern Are Dead
I put on a play at my high school
I got the leading role
I had a skull
I had a skull
Jesse got jealous, he saw me
It made him uncomfortable
He took my skull
He took my skull

He hit me in the face with Yorick
I fell down to the floor hit
Alas, I knew him before he went berserk
A man of infinite jest who can pack the hurt

I got to my feet so I could be
Or not to be a fool
I saw my skull
I saw my skull
But age with his stealing steps
Hath clawed me in his clutch
And hath shipped me into the land
As if I had never been such

He hit me in the face with Yorick
I fell down to the floor hit
Alas, I knew him before he went berserk
A man of infinite jest who can pack the hurt

I hit him in the face with Yorick
He fell down to the floor hit
Jesse was a man, sir, yes
But once was, now, rest his soul he’s dead
Track Name: No Words
If you’re coming back to reconcile the hardship
You face with the fact that you’d rather be worshipped
Then get a clue
I saw the prom and the ise and I knew it was you
Who broke the promise in half and threw it on the floor
In front of you
It’s sad but true

Was it you who kept silent about me
I wonder why you’d have nothing to say about me
Or was it you who spread those things about me
I have to tell you they're all lies.

If it’s you who kept your mouth shut about me
Let me confess it hasn’t been easy for me
If it’s you who spread those things about me
Thanks for ruining my life

I’m talking about angst
Talking about stress
Talking about sleepless nights with no rest
Talking about crying all the way to the bank
Talking about angst

You saved me
You made me
You used me
You threw me
You tossed me
You lost me
I’ve got no words for you
Track Name: Crawlspace
In the crawlspace
In the crawlspace
In the crawlspace
In the crawlspace

Yo we chillin’ in the crawlspace
Illin’ always, all days.
Make a home out of somebody’s enclave
Fight a spider, a centipede, cobwebs
See them flies, they about to be chopped dead
Here I eat, here I sleep, here I write, here I weep
Here I speak, but I don’t dare make a peep
Marshmallows a bit too many
‘Round here all’s just as good as any
I’m a squatter but I can’t lift 120
Try to get me into shape, but you can’t reinvent me
I’m like a wheel, ‘cuz I’m round, large, and in charge
Four-wheel drive’s useless on a trash barge
I’m just a private but I’m eating like a sergeant
My deodorant smells like detergent.
Maybe I’m not cool like you think I am
Maybe I won’t eat Green Eggs and Ham
Maybe I do not like them, Sam I Am
Maybe I’ll regard your praise as spam
See, it’s cozy chillin’ underneath the floorboard
Could do maybe with an extra corridor
But perks I ain’t got no landlord or
Rent or food or water, man, could I live any poorer?
Maybe if I had a cardboard box
Covered with sharpie locks
Living out on the docks
With the smell of detritus and debris in the air
And a whiff of some homeless person’s underwear
Who wants to take care of a straggler like KC
I’m not Based God, I’m not even Based Me
That’s my fate if I don’t stop being lazy
But I feel like I still got to fulfill my lease
To this crawlspace
To this crawlspace
To this crawlspace
To this crawlspace

Up on top, they be livin’ in a penthouse
Renthouse
Suit & tie, striped and buttoned ladies and gent house
Ten elevators from the ceiling to the ground floor
Just got a grant just so they can fund ten more
How many heads you think they stepped on to get there?
How many combs you think they’d need to fix that hair?
How many rap as well as this beast right here
Who’s got two thumbs and knows his name when it’s being cheered?
I get it, I’m the savior of the industry.
Li’l Wayne and 2 Chainz we’ll nickname the injury
It only started but we’re ending the century
100 years is 14 to the nth degree
Help me cuz I’m starting to break
I can’t fake this any further because what does it take
To impress? I sold six tix, five were for my family
Where then, were the other ten attendees?
I’m like Macklemore but more, at least they tell me
My old friends, but none ain’t tried to sell me
Put my face on a disc, say this cracker can spit
Then get me on the front of either Mojo or Spin
Then like Shel on the cover of the Rolling Stone
It takes some effort, and I can’t do it alone
So all I’m asking is you throw this kid a bone
Help me out, help me find a better home

Than this crawlspace.
Than this crawlspace.
Than this crawlspace.
Than this crawlspace.
Track Name: Musical Chairs
Stand up and shout
Get up and dance
Turn us about our squares
Playing with you
Give it a chance
Come play some musical chairs
Round and round and round she goes
Where she'll stop, ain't nobody knows
Ain't no warning before she blows
Furniture do-si-dos
Stand up and shout
Get up and dance
Turn us about our squares
Playing with you
Give it a chance
Come play some musical chairs

Come play some musical chairs, my loved ones
Track Name: The Benefits of Babylon
If you don’t have any knowledge of how things work out on the streets
You ain’t listenin’ to the Devil’s music, nothing more than hunnid-fifteen beats
If a song in two-two gets ya riled up, well, honey, I’ve news for you
You’ve got a three hour week, subtract when you’re asleep
You’re wasting three-eighty-two

Now I ain’t sayin’, throw your life to waste, forsake the Lord and turn away
But how’s it workin’ for you to preach to the choir if you can’t grant a sinner stay?
Say a man’s got a skull inked on his arm, is he doomed to a damning in Hell?
He makes the choice to do right, he turns toward the light
The Lord will forgive him as well

It’s still a risky thing to rock a baby bump in a singles’ ward
But she knows what she did, she’s gonna keep the kid
And she’s already confessed to the Lord
It don’t mean a thing if you glare real hard at a cigarette
Cuz it’s gonna burn anyway, I tell ya

There are benefits to growing up in Babylon
You’re more grateful for the gift
And you’ll learn what it means to truly judge
On the other side of the rift

If you grew up with a thousand different origin stories, then you know the one you know is true
If you grew up thinking alcohol was A-OK, then you’re surprised after a water or two
If you grew up with a book of animal pictures, then you’re truly in for a surprise
‘Cuz there’s a book or two, written specifically for you
“I don’t believe it,” well, open your eyes!

Now I ain’t sayin’, throw your life to waste, pretend you never learned the truth
But the Lamanites say they want evidence, well, my spirit is the proof
I went from a man who was full of himself to a humble man through and through
And if you don’t believe me, well, heck, I don’t believe me
But I know you can be humble too!

So it’s a risky thing to rock a question or two about the Word of God
It’s OK to have doubts, that’s what faith is about
And no question’s exceedingly odd
It don’t mean a thing if you drop a cuss every now and then
There’s this thing called repentance to save you from a sentence, man,
That’s why they killed the Christ!

There are benefits to growing up in Babylon
You’re more grateful for your life
And you’ll learn what it means to truly love
On the other side of the divide
There are benefits to growing up in Babylon
You’re more grateful for the gift
And you’ll learn what it means to truly judge
On the other side of the rift